Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
Lena is a passionate gamer and tech writer, specializing in indie games and esports coverage.